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| Ephemeral |
Ephemeral
My final project revolves around love, time, emotional intimacy, and healing. It is an extended photo series to explore the comforts of my relationship as it lasts while imagining time and the lack of time. I used my partner as a subject and together we spent about an hour in my dark basement trying to compose and figure out how to pursue the visuals together. We were both vulnerable and experiencing it all in the moment as a sort of performance, the limited light tracing our features and guiding us toward one another. We held each other, thought, talked, laughed. In total we collected about 400 pictures and a 15 minute video, to which I had to carefully select what images I thought made the cut. We had no idea how long the light would remain or how long it would take to fade, but we did what we could during that time and made the most of it. During a relationship, we never know how long it’ll last, nor do we know what’ll happen to each other. I kept this in mind during my project. The feeling of my love feels endless but I know there will be times where we must separate. My partner and I are both the subjects, with the themes of closeness being a primary focus. I took all the photographs using my phone, lit by the blue light stick, and some photographs edited using the layers in Procreate.
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| Meeting |
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| Conjoined |
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| We |
Inspired by the domesticity of Carrie Mae Weems’ Kitchen Table Series, I put my own stylistic spin on the composed depiction of romance and intimacy. I actually used a couple of her photographs in my inspiration board, looking at how she portrays intimacy with gentle touches, the looks between two people, and variations of romantic or familial love. In an interview with Weems posted on YouTube, she describes how women seem to depict intimacy in photos, whether it be with their partners, loved ones or friends, while men oftentimes depict the “outside”. They document “family or themselves”, something they can narratively control in the photographs. The closeness and intimacy of these photos allow the viewer to step up to the photograph and see IT and THEM as people. While Weems’ work focuses on representing what she herself as an artist wants to represent and interpret, I wanted to use this chance to represent my interactions with respect to intimacy and emotional closeness. I also wanted to think of a sort of performance art photoshoot in a way, having a plan but also using the spontaneous nature of human company to create the images. I attempted to research a good amount of performance art pieces revolving around love, human intimacy, and trust. I tried to combine these ideas with the idea of visual snapshots and my own personal aesthetics.
“ Now we see the digital performance of the self becoming a conversation”
Nicholas Mirzoeff, How to See the World
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| Seek |
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| Tender |
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| Simple |
When I think of a relationship, I don't always think of romance but rather two human beings, themselves full and whole, expressing their worlds in their two joined hands. My first self portraits were all focusing on me alone, many of which not having very positive connotations. Not only am I uncomfortable taking pictures with other people but also sometimes I feel trapped in my own head. I have no other outlets to get my stress out so sometimes it comes out visually in my art, which can seem depressing for some. For this project, I ripped through the comfort zone to pursue a project that not only involves my partner in the process of my art but also allows them to see the result. In a decent amount of frames, I'm actually happy for once. This isn't a performance of artificial happiness, that's real. He helped me with decision making in a collective communication, reassuring me throughout it all. The process involved communication and conversation of our comforts, likes, and aesthetics while also enjoying the process of togetherness.
“It’s an invitation to others to like or dislike what you have made and to participate in a visual conversation”
Nicholas Mirzoeff, How to See the World
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| Watching |
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| Hold |
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| Protect |
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| Gentle |
My partner is the most important person in my life and has watched me change for six years yet is still here. I wanted to add a connection to my partner because I feel our relationship is special and every love is special.
“Men look at women. Women watch themselves being looked at”
John Berger, Ways of Seeing
I’ve always been uncomfortable being perceived. I especially feel uncomfortable being perceived in a way of attraction. It brings me discomfort and makes me feel like an object. I never feel worried about that with my partner though. Despite him being masculine presenting, they are always respectful and do not make me feel how other men have treated me. I don’t catch his gaze and feel shame and unsafe but rather I feel seen as a human, not just a woman to be taken.
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| Tongue-Tied |
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| Hairtie |
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| Laughter |
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| Help |
We do not fight for dominance, our femininity and masculinity doesn’t dictate our relationship. The blue and pink are not symbolic of our genders assigned at birth but are rather symbolic of the serenity of love combined with the innocence of it. Pink is oftentimes associated with innocence and purity, as well as love and compassion. Plus, I'm a Demi-bisexual woman and do not feel the need to conform to standard gender roles in a relationship. I don’t feel that attraction, sex, or biological sex dictates our relationship and we can be free to fully be ourselves in all ways. While I also just enjoyed the color scheme, I wanted the blue and pink to represent themes of serenity, fluidity, and emotional lingering moments, as the parts with pink are two moments captured. We can both be gentle, or we can both be strong, and we both are. My partner is my first love, and meeting him has helped me to evolve as a person. Growing up in a house where I felt love was always conditional, I am slowly but surely beginning to heal as I imagine a future together.
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| Together |
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| Us |
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| Real |
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| Light |
We’re simply both evolving humans with changing lives, and I find the concept of portraying found family and love in photos to be important. I consider it to be a self portrait not only because I'm a part of it, but also because the experience of a healthy relationship has helped me get over much of my trust issues and tainted perceptions of people and love over time. Luckily now, after many many years, I'm finding comfort in fully trusting another person and finally healing from things in my past that have made it difficult to be truly myself, and to accept being loved.
“When in love, the sight of the beloved has a completeness which no words and no embrace can match”
John Berger, Ways of Seeing
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| Closeness |
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| Seconds |
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| Moment |
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| Shoulder |
For more symbolic elements, I decided to use glow sticks. They need to crack and break before they can glow. My partner was recently away for a month training for his military deployment. He brought me back these light sticks that glow blue when cracked. This sparked the idea that I can use that blue lighting like when I did my TV portraits, but this time with a different meaning, from something he gave me as a souvenir, the light being different with a more positive connotation. Once I crack the glowsticks, I can’t try over. Once they fade, that’s it. That’s another reason why I’m using this as a partial performance piece with limits in time and lighting.
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| Stay |
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| Smile |
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| Lead |
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| Flash |
Another aspect of my project is accepting love while it's here, as I know he's going to leave for deployment soon and I have to cope and come to terms with my feelings during that time. He's going to be away for about a year, and I know it's going to hurt me. I am hoping I can get past that pain, like I've done in the past, and we'll return to each other again. Having this concept in mind while shooting brought a little bit of a bittersweet feeling to me but I wanted to enjoy the moments with him and portray our relationship in what felt like a safe setting for me. I'm trying to take vulnerability, intimacy, relationship to love and feelings of closeness to close out the lonely images I've made this semester. Similarly to the glowsticks, once he’s gone for 12 months, I’ll feel alone in the dark. At the same time, I know he’s still there. Even if this doesn't last forever, neither do we. He's the light of my ephemeral life.
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| Sameness |
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| Remember |
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| Ghost |
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| Haunt |
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| Wait |
Resources
John Berger, Ways of Seeing
Nicholas Mirzoeff, How to See the World
For more symbolic elements, I decided to use glow sticks. They need to crack and break before they can glow. My partner was recently away for a month training for his military deployment. He brought me back these light sticks that glow blue when cracked. This sparked the idea that I can use that blue lighting like when I did my TV portraits, but this time with a different meaning, from something he gave me as a souvenir, the light being different with a more positive connotation. Once I crack the glowsticks, I can’t try over. Once they fade, that’s it. That’s another reason why I’m using this as a partial performance piece with limits in time and lighting. 
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