To my younger self; the screen and I reflect again
My performance piece is between myself and I, my identity and how I’ve evolved and regressed and how I so badly want to repair parts of myself that were harmed during childhood. I imagine a (unnamed age) younger version of myself, and a very burnt out, anxious, overly self aware yet unaware, me. I perform often, socially. Like I’ve said before, I mask often and lose track of “me”. Reminiscent of another project I had with the blue screen, I brought it back as a symbol of perception again but of my old self. The blue coloring, in my head, goes from being symbolic of trusting calmness to deep sorrow. While the performance is with myself alone, and a screen, I’m taking the idea of performance as an act of visual emotion. I may not be using my body as a canvas, but I’m hoping my body language and portrayal of emotions give off discomfort, anxiousness, and slight acceptance in the end. I was thinking of spontaneity but also planned a dialogue in my head. The reactions and portrayed emotions were thought about yet natural. I first imagined a sort of FaceTime scenario, in terms of visuals. Some people rethink conversations in their heads and contemplate what they could’ve said or done, replaying it over and over. I think of it like this, but in a real-time sort of scenario between the idea of past and present. I was thinking about using Google translate to speak words for me, apologies every once in a while, bringing a disconnect between the lack of my voice and the nonverbal communication of expression. I decided against it for interpretive purposes, as I think the expressions are clear enough, maybe a bit too clear.
“...performance art forced viewers to engage with a real person who could feel cold and hunger, fear and pain, excitement and embarrassment—just like them.”
Khan Academy Performance Art An Introduction webpages
I’ve been struggling with on and off depression and an anxiety disorder since I was about maybe 12 or 13. At the time, I still hadn't realized I was neurodivergent nor did I think this would continue for so many years of my life. For years I’ve pushed and masked myself through depression and extreme burnout, likely making it worse and hurting myself more in the process. My younger self would probably be very afraid of what I’ve become and what I’ve realized, as I thought I’d be better by now, be it I’m still here. I’d always look for identifiers in order to feel better about my identity, as I wanted to feel like I was something. I’d look at myself and just kind of think Im a blob of a person, like my masked self. Who could’ve known they’re still the same, just add neurodivergent, bi, and late diagnosed. I didn’t expect to get very far but I had hoped I’d make something of myself if I had. I’m using the screen as a sort of mirror which reflects myself, my flaws, and my younger self. I feel so sorry for her yet sometimes I fail to see myself as human.
“Men look at women. Women watch themselves being looked at” (Berger, 47)
I imagine facing myself, the blue screen again, and attempting to be reasonable and calm despite being ashamed of myself. I honestly would not want to meet my younger self… for many reasons. I’ve both humanized her through logic and dehumanized her through retrospect. I hesitate for a moment but try to welcome, showing myself. I try to get comfortable, as if I were meeting another person. I get closer, showing my changed hair, my tattoo, the necklace which symbolizes my relationship, showing something I’ve made, trying to be hopeful. I imagine an inner dialogue. She’d be happy to see I might not die alone, a worry I’ve had since middle school. She’d be happy to see I still create and draw. I want to feel proud of my successes but they feel so insignificant in comparison to the failures I’ve endured and the loss of the person I wanted to be. I’d be bombarded with questions from her. I take a moment to examine myself, to feel my hands and feel her still inside me. Yet not the same. I get a question. A series of hopes and a disappointment. I thought I could be better. I try to keep composed but begin to fall apart. I grapple with the reality, the inner dialogue back and forth. What happened? I hide, clutch at myself, pull the hood over my head in immense shame and regret.I want to be left in the dark. I want to hide and reshape myself or never show my face again. But I can’t do that, I can’t hide again and let myself regress even more than I already had. I have to.. again.. force myself through it all. I don’t know how to do it healthily, but I have to. She’s mad at me but I have to keep existing for our sake. I feel my body. I feel my skin. That’s me. That’s where I’ll be forever. With all the versions of me. I can mourn what I could’ve been and wanted to be, but that’s all. And that’s it.
“I'm an eye. A mechanical eye. I, the machine, show you a world the way only I can see it." (Berger, 17)
Ways of Seeing by John Berger
When thinking up my performance, I thought about Marina Abramovic’s work, specifically “The Artist Is Present”. While the connection may not be super obvious to someone watching my performance, I took the idea of an isolated space in time where you have to stay and look at another person. In this case, I’m mentally looking at my other self, but anyone watching the video is looking directly at me. I look off to the side and stray with discomfort, but the position of the camera doesn’t move, I do. The camera states toward me, I stray away or force myself to look. I think about time, time within my body and self, along with the time I spend in this short “call” into the past. I think about the presence of myself, the idea I presented of the younger self I’m looking toward, and also the presence is the camera all at once. Shaun Leonardo’s invisible fight also lightly inspired me, as I’m having a fight or debate mentally with different versions and perceptions of myself and my human condition.
I know some of my work for this class may be repetitive considering my focus on mental health and fear of identity but it’s something that has eaten my life up for about half of it. I’m sure other people struggle in similar ways that I do, and my feelings aren’t an isolated incident. They feel that way, but I am aware I am not the only sentient person. I would never be so vulnerable AND show my face at the same time AND show a class this so it’s definitely 100% outside of my comfort zone. Frankly, I’m embarrassed of myself not only for my emotions and behavior but also for my feelings. That’s kind of the point of this performance though, sitting with those negative feelings and realizing that’s a human thing and I have to live with it. This may be depressing to some people but this is my perception of my reality and my interaction with my identity and history. The girl I’ve become is the girl I was raised and the girl I resisted and the girl I’ll become soon. I am challenged every day by the history of my life, body, and mind. Likewise, we all are. My works may seem to be only about me but I am attempting to reflect the vulnerability of the human condition, especially people who struggle with their own identities, pasts, and mental health. I am hoping vulnerability can inspire empathy and relatability, as strong emotions like shame, embarrassment, and fear are emotions we all feel.
BONUS ROUND !!
Stimulation Simulation
Get on a busy bus around 2:30
Feel the vibrations
of the engine
and hardened bumpy road against tire
Hear the collection of cars and voices
and taps and coughs and let the lights stream in
Finally find the heartbeat in your chest.
Abyss
Imagine all the world's
frequencies colors and vibrations
melting into a tipping black pot
spilling, quickly seeping toward you.
Shirt’s hue
Look down to your shirt
Feel it against your body
Examine the color
See the color in nature
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