Self's Portrait

 

Living Against The Shadow

Finding Her

LATS Photo 2   

   For my project, I focused on themes of mental health, masking, and interactions with the digital age. My ideas stemmed from the masked, unmasked, and struggling parts of me. My project not only explores how I relate to my identity and mental health, but also my perceptions. 

“This densely populated work is difficult, if not impossible, to take in all at once”.

Hannah Höch, Cut with the Kitchen Knife Dada Through the Last Weimar Beer Belly Cultural Epoch of Germany

I began by photographing myself in two positions, then used procreate layers to add images behind me. Though not fully visible, I inserted a photo of me holding my phone with a static screen and an overlay of an autism criteria sheet, as much of my research was set online before addressing a therapist. Behind this, VERY barely visible, in the background I depicted a photo from my blue series of me staring at a screen which is reminiscent of me thinking of my perceptions. I cut out my masked self so she feels a bit distant in a way. The black paper behind her and at the top (probably falling away as we speak) is paper I burnt on the stove. I wanted the burnt edges, with ash texture. I have my own meanings for that part but I'll leave it up for interpretation. Many of the photos scattered around are related to perceptions of neurodivergent and mentally ill people on social media. Since childhood, I've experienced.. a lot of media. Various posts come from sites like Instagram and tiktok, where people flip flop between posting memes about how depressed they are, bully and ridicule anyone deemed as weird, or post 5 minute meltdowns. Some videos are resourceful and interesting, some are funny yet depressing coping mechanisms, and others are stigmas going viral. 

   My project depicts two versions of me. I have a duality of myself with my struggles, against my masked self, and what I could've been if I hadn't experienced trauma. One version is, the way I see it, unmasked but wanting to grow. I'm a bit of a cringey person with fixations on cartoons, intense colors, tragic stories and natural elements. Much of my interests and hyperfixations stem from my time on the internet. Over time I've realized much of myself mirrors that of a neurodivergent person. Having not been diagnosed in childhood, it took a long time before I actually realized it myself. I'm scared to be who I am, but I'm also just in a constant state of tense-ness anyway. The version to the right is the “mask”, I'll call her.  She doesn't have a literal mask, but neurodivergent people feel the need to mask in order to integrate into allistic society (I recommend reading into it if you don't know what masking is!!). At the same time, mask is an amalgamation of the bad AND the perceived “normal” at the same time, as I can't fully imagine my life without what I'm currently feeling. Mask doesn't really seem like a full person. I imagine her being like a Chameleon that can adapt to other people's liking but that doesn't seem full. She'll always be whatever I put in it, drawing out my energy and leaving a shell. It feels like a protective shell that can help sometimes but will also ultimately suppress and harm me. Mask is not only masked in an attempt to save face and seem “normal”, but it's also the times I'm on autopilot. I suppress a lot of my emotions, I feel numb and oftentimes depressed. I allow mask to touch me, where the static comes in. My head feels filled with static at times, and a lot of my feelings in my mind and body aren't very well verbally executed. To be unmasked feels vulnerable and bad, too loud and too much, but I'd rather feel that and have people maybe understand than to suffer alone in silence. Mask will always be a part of me now, even if I try to let her go. Unfortunately, unmasking isn't a simple task.

   Back to the digital age.. I've found people that can relate to some of the experiences I've went through. A lot of neurodivergent people seek comfort online from memes, to self deprecating jokes, to hyperfixations on specific internet subcultures. Likewise, a lot of people who struggle with anxiety and depression turn to their phones as an escape. While some people may be able to find people like themselves and get a sense of comfort, others witness online alienation and anonymous disrespect. In a past project, I explained my fear of alienation and being perceived by others. I want to be perceived as a “normal”, allistic adult who doesn’t suffer from mental health struggles. I don't want to be the person people laugh at online over my interests and behaviors. I want to be perceived as, at most, quirky. At the same time, I understand that neurodivergent people are unjustifiably labeled and it’s not fully my fault people look at me a certain way. “Normal” and socially acceptable behavior in an allistic society is convoluted. 

“Photographic self-portraits can also be a diary and a record of what has happened.

How To See The World

   Contemporary media has warped the way certain individuals are seen, and thus how they are treated.  Our interactions with the world around us can push us deeper into our shells and more toward the online world, which can equally be as harmful. As someone who’s had unsupervised internet access since the age of 11, I explored. Too much. I was sheltered but also had a rough home life. I was already struggling with anxiety issues and identity problems due to bullying and family struggles and the internet became a safe space. At the same time, I witnessed pro-anorexia content, self harm posts, 4chan culture, and an overexposure to overwhelming information. Everyone compared themselves to everyone, and social hierarchies were still evident yet changed to be more like echo chambers after a while. The internet has contributed to my worsening mental health during my teen years yet it also somehow got me through it too, as I really had nothing else.

 “People have described her as broken and fragile, but she was strong and accomplished a tremendous amount in her lifetime.”

Frida Kahlo Was a Painter, a Brand Builder, a Survivor. And So Much More | NY Times

   As a growing adult, the internet has helped me to discover things about myself through accessibility to information and talking to people in late diagnosed neurodivergent communities, but it has also made me realize how ableist the allistic world is. I’ve discovered, through research of various different papers, articles, and experiences of others, how women are misdiagnosed due to medical bias in the realm of psychology. There are so many papers about how women struggle to receive diagnosis because of the studies of little white boys in the 1950s being the dominant defining socially accepted research. Even therapists don't know the DSM5 was updated. Perceptions of neurodivergent people were not only tainted by psychologists who did not properly research all groups of people, but by forms of media that were informed by this improper research. The perceptions of people with borderline, bipolar, autism, schizophrenia, anxiety disorders and depression are all stereotyped or romanticized in the media with not much valid representation. Girls will gleefully talk on a podcast about how their mental illness makes them “them”, when in reality having a mental illness is debilitating and makes existing excruciating. 

   These stereotypes and flanderizations spiral, as they become more and more like characters instead of real humans and experiences. The treatment of these people worsens and they’re alienated in person AND online. Online there are spaces and communities focusing on these topics, but they also can get stereotyped as annoying or attention seeking, especially if there are alternative young people. I've learned to question myself, my mental health, my pain levels, who I am as a person. When I suppress or mask my struggles, I can do it but I start to feel numb. Even unmasked I'm still struggling, but it's a bit easier to breathe.